I'm hungry. The reality of eating right.

I woke up on Wednesday to my mother asking me if I wanted to eat out for lunch with friends. That's how I was going to start my diet. I wanted to go running, but eating at a restaurant works too...I guess.

I avoided anything that wasn't poultry (as any good Mediterranean dieter would do), despite my desire for a cheeseburger by 2:00 pm. We at at Souper Salad instead of McFatty's and it was a bit of a disappointment. My mom and I both thought it would be healthier than what it was. The only thing worth mentioning there was the Vegan "A-Maize-ing corn bread" that tasted as if it was made out of pure unicorns and crack cocaine. I won't be going vegan in this lifetime but mad props to them for making some delicious food.

Then I had to do stuff, but the only thing that really ended up getting done was ordering a new debit card. I just didn't have the mental capacity for anything else, and I honestly think it's because the food I ate messed with me. Man was not meant to eat unicorn. Experiencing that "adulthood" feeling of getting stuff done was pretty cool, though. Unfortunately, the rest of the day I had about as much energy as this guy...

So I took a nap till about eternity. This is typical for people going on this diet. I will have extremely low energy for the next three weeks, according to sources. Most people end up looking like the squirrel in the picture, except without that sweet tail.

Dieting is frustrating. That's my segue. It doesn't help that I've given myself a short attention span by constantly spending time on the internet and forcing myself into the habit of expecting instant gratification on whatever it is that I do*. Even though I know it's stupid I want to see quick and significant weight loss, just like anybody else who's ever started this quest. Don't lie, you know you've done it too.

Meet Chad! And the pregnant watermelon incident.

Chad is the greatest evil to happen to the world since Yoko Ono.

I had just moved into a new place, the place I am living now, and this place was good except that it was too hard to find. All the entrances were either back alleys or dirt roads that were overgrown with brush and my roommates and I came to the conclusion that we were living in that one house that the pizza guy would never be able to find. I've lived in "that house" before and it isn't fun. You go hungry on pizza days.

I decided that if we are going to have people over we should make the place a bit easier to find so one day I went out with clippers, saws, knives, and a can-do attitude and started removing the brush that not only scratched up our cars but hid our existence from the world. This is when I met Chad.

Chad didn't like me removing the brush. In fact, he drove up to the dirt road that led to my house and he told me so himself.

                Chad: Hey, stop that.

 Me: lol no.

     Chad: Please stop that.

 Me: Thanks for saying 'please' but I'm afraid you can't change my mind.

     Chad: What if I told you I was related to this guy who's really photogenic?

     Me: GREAT SCOTT! WITH A FACE LIKE THAT ONE COULD SIMPLY WALK INTO MORDOR! LITERALLY! Are you actually related to that guy?

     Chad: I'm not actually related to him. :( But yes, he is photogenic.

His request was that I should stop what I'm doing and reconsider my efforts of being accessible by the pizza guy or the fire department/police department/ medical emergency vehicles/ Ice Cream truck. I love pizza too much to comply and I told Chad that I was going to continue to remove the brush. I made an enemy that day.

Here's a picture that represents Chad's facial expression when I told him I would continue my rebellion against the Chad empire and his bushes.

Although he had his poker face on, I'm sure this picture more accurately describes his emotions.

Chad walked away and never spoke to me again but his wrath is still present. For the past year I have paid for my encounter with Chad dearly. You will not believe everything that I'm going to tell you about Chad on this blog but I swear that it's real.

Anything that has ever gone wrong in the house that is totally inexplicable is Chad's fault. It has to be. Disappearances of beloved dairy products (yogurt, ice cream, milk) is common, our thermostat has formed an alliance with the Chad Empire, and even our fruit are in danger of facing Chad's wicked wrath.

This brings us to the pregnant watermelon incident. Last September one of my roommates (who shall thus forth be known as "the Aggie Roommate") decided to buy a watermelon. My roommates and I all agreed that this was a good idea however we were confused as to why he bought the watermelon. He had the intentions of eating it, but we ended up keeping it as almost kind of a pet of sorts. Some people have pet rocks, we have pet watermelons. Don't be gel.

Then one day, nine months after the purchasing of said watermelon, I had a butt ton (not a button, a butt *space* ton) of people over to watch a movie and while we were watching "UP" a soda exploded in the kitchen freezer...or so I thought. I rushed to the kitchen with the speed, tenacity and purpose of some unknown Marvel Avenger and I saw that a soda did not explode. After nine months, my watermelon broke. The green shell encasing the delectable pet we once knew now had a crack in the side of it and was spewing watermelon juice all over the kitchen. Chad had struck again.

I don't know when these attacks will end, but know that this is not the last we have heard of Chad. Oh no. He is not yet done extracting vengeance upon me.


Also, I will buy dinner for the next female I see wearing these shoes in honor of my lost yet beloved pet.

Also also I'm considering using "button" as a unit of measurement for people.

Gastronomical Mardi Gras part 1!!!

I'm starting a diet on Wednesday. Not one of those "I'm just gonna not snack and watch what I eat diets" but one of those "So long, sweets. It's been real" diets. The reason for said diet? Another day, another blog post. I'll answer that question when I find it to be relevant.

I want to start this diet on Wednesday, or at least start easing myself into it. Until Wednesday, however, I've been in the process of eating anything that even remotely looks like food (except for watermelons. I'll explain that later). Clearly the smart thing to do when attempting to lose weight is to first gain a bunch of weight. That just makes the process of losing it seem that much more epic.

FUTURE ME: "I gained 250 lbs!"
FUTURE-R ME: "I LOST 300 LBS!"

In order to lose enough weight to impress anybody you have to have a bunch of weight to lose. So gain weight. It'll make your victory that much more glorious. Also, I won't be able to eat ice cream again until the 12th of Never so I might as well gorge myself on sugar. It's my last chance. 

My one rule though is to allow myself to indulge a little bit at events like parties and such. 

My other one rule is to also not be totally strict about the diet on the weekends. I don't eat that much on the weekends anyway. I'm more of a weekday fatty.

My last one rule is that I am not going to let this diet cost anymore than how I live now. If tuna wraps and Chicken Pot Pies start costing me more than sandwiches and frozen pizzas, it's over. I have no wiggle room, financially. You're probably wondering what type of diet this is to be eating tuna wraps and chicken pot pies, and we'll get to that. Later.

WALLET: "Can't I wiggle just a little bit?"

ME: "NO, YOU STUPID PIECE OF DEAD COW HIDE! THERE'S NO ROOM THAT. NOW GET BACK IN MY POCKET BEFORE I DO TO YOU WHAT I DID TO THAT EXPIRED DEBIT CARD!"

I've decided that since tomorrow (Tuesday) is effectively my last day of this...

I should attempt to utilize the last without with junk food to the best of my abilities. (Thank you Allie Brosh for the meme and for being epic and may you recover from your depression and return to blogdom soon. You are missed.) Therefore I have found it necessary to start something that shall henceforth be known as...

GASTRONOMICAL MARDI GRAS!

I will be creating a schedule of all the food that I shall be consuming and I will stick to eating it. If I have to throw up to make room to finish this schedule...I will do it. But let's be real, I spend most nights holding it and telling it everything will be okay while R.E.M.'s "Everybody Hurts" plays in the background so the purchasing of mass quantities of food is not gonna be all that likely.

That's my life, I guess. It's time for me to begin the wallet cradling process now, actually, so I will be signing off and starting my night time rituals of procrastinating getting ready for bed only to be forced to do everything when I'm desperately exhausted. 

P.S. I think I'm going to have to start using a paint program to draw my own pics for my blog. All the pictures that I happen to use have been borrowed from other people's blogs. The first picture is from Allie Brosh's Blog: Hyperbole and a Half. She says this, "Copyright 2009-2011 By Allie Brosh strictly enforced by the copyright monster." I'm scared of copyright monsters almost as much as I'm scared of cockroaches (long story) so no copyright intended.

The Wallet is from a blog I only just discovered (after having Googled "Sad Wallet") and her name is still a mystery to me. Her blog is called "Purple Cheese" and I'm kind of excited about it. Also, she says this. "This work is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivs 3.0 Unported License. Please don't steal my shizz. Kthanks!" Because the last thing I want to be is a shizz stealer, I'm going to say that no copyright was intended. Suck it, copyright laws. Purple Cheese's author is a lawyer so hopefully I didn't just do something illegal...

Bear with me for a second.

The other day I thought I'd see what I'd find if I just typed in random words into Google images and see what comes up. I ended up searching "depressed bear" and these are the fruits of my labor. I hope you find that these distract you, like me, from that nagging thought inside of you urging you to consider being a stand up, contributing member of society.

Being a contributing member of society is, in fact, no fun at all. Don't fall for it. You will end up like these bears (depressed and hairy). Society may attempt to trick you with cake, but it's a dry cake with gross icing made of...lies. They actually compounded the concept of deceit into an icing. You may be wondering if this icing has a flavor. Is it chocolate or vanilla frosting? Nope. IT'S SUBTERFUGE FLAVORED!

Fun Facts with the AwkwardBlock

My life, lately, has been ridiculously boring.* To those of you who REALLY know me, I am a citizen of the interwebz, meaning that I pledge my allegiance to a pixelated US flag. Other than that (and my rediculous** awkwardness), I am just like everyone else in the United States who doesn't get out much.

I am starting to bum myself out a little bit because without YouTube or Skyrim, my day falls apart. The most exciting thing that's happened to me since the summer started is that Toby Turner's "Tobuscus" channel is now the 25th most subscribed YouTube Channel. The only thing that comes close to the giddy, fanboy excitement this provides me is that Ray William Johnson's channel "RayWilliamJohnson" (an original channel name, if I do say so myself) may be rereplaced by Ryan Higa's NigaHiga channel. Ryan is gaining a lot of subscribers right now, probably because of the collaborations he's going to be doing soon on his YouTube reality show "Internet Icon".

PIANO! So I played at that wedding recently and here is a truly fun fact; when I can't fit my piano into the space you've provided for me, I can't play my piano. Wedding music 101, really. Elementary, my dear Watson. Elementary.

HARRY POTTER! Snape kills Dumbledore. ***

WEIGHT LOSS! Not happening. Since the summer started I've been taking a huge step backwards, but I want to get back into it. I even meant to bring my running clothes home so I could go running, but I forgot so...

BACON! Still delicious.

_________________________________________________________________________________
* Fun fact; I just screwed up the spelling of the word 'ridiculous' because I always spell it 'rediculous' as if something was at one time diculous and it is now diculous again.

** Dangit.

*** WARNING: Spoiler alert. I also failed to mention that the Titanic sinks, Bruce Willis was a ghost the whole time, and Anakin Skywalker becomes Darth Vader. ****

****WARNING: Mega spoilers