I'm hungry. The reality of eating right.

I woke up on Wednesday to my mother asking me if I wanted to eat out for lunch with friends. That's how I was going to start my diet. I wanted to go running, but eating at a restaurant works too...I guess.

I avoided anything that wasn't poultry (as any good Mediterranean dieter would do), despite my desire for a cheeseburger by 2:00 pm. We at at Souper Salad instead of McFatty's and it was a bit of a disappointment. My mom and I both thought it would be healthier than what it was. The only thing worth mentioning there was the Vegan "A-Maize-ing corn bread" that tasted as if it was made out of pure unicorns and crack cocaine. I won't be going vegan in this lifetime but mad props to them for making some delicious food.

Then I had to do stuff, but the only thing that really ended up getting done was ordering a new debit card. I just didn't have the mental capacity for anything else, and I honestly think it's because the food I ate messed with me. Man was not meant to eat unicorn. Experiencing that "adulthood" feeling of getting stuff done was pretty cool, though. Unfortunately, the rest of the day I had about as much energy as this guy...

So I took a nap till about eternity. This is typical for people going on this diet. I will have extremely low energy for the next three weeks, according to sources. Most people end up looking like the squirrel in the picture, except without that sweet tail.

Dieting is frustrating. That's my segue. It doesn't help that I've given myself a short attention span by constantly spending time on the internet and forcing myself into the habit of expecting instant gratification on whatever it is that I do*. Even though I know it's stupid I want to see quick and significant weight loss, just like anybody else who's ever started this quest. Don't lie, you know you've done it too.

Gastronomical Mardi Gras part 1!!!

I'm starting a diet on Wednesday. Not one of those "I'm just gonna not snack and watch what I eat diets" but one of those "So long, sweets. It's been real" diets. The reason for said diet? Another day, another blog post. I'll answer that question when I find it to be relevant.

I want to start this diet on Wednesday, or at least start easing myself into it. Until Wednesday, however, I've been in the process of eating anything that even remotely looks like food (except for watermelons. I'll explain that later). Clearly the smart thing to do when attempting to lose weight is to first gain a bunch of weight. That just makes the process of losing it seem that much more epic.

FUTURE ME: "I gained 250 lbs!"
FUTURE-R ME: "I LOST 300 LBS!"

In order to lose enough weight to impress anybody you have to have a bunch of weight to lose. So gain weight. It'll make your victory that much more glorious. Also, I won't be able to eat ice cream again until the 12th of Never so I might as well gorge myself on sugar. It's my last chance. 

My one rule though is to allow myself to indulge a little bit at events like parties and such. 

My other one rule is to also not be totally strict about the diet on the weekends. I don't eat that much on the weekends anyway. I'm more of a weekday fatty.

My last one rule is that I am not going to let this diet cost anymore than how I live now. If tuna wraps and Chicken Pot Pies start costing me more than sandwiches and frozen pizzas, it's over. I have no wiggle room, financially. You're probably wondering what type of diet this is to be eating tuna wraps and chicken pot pies, and we'll get to that. Later.

WALLET: "Can't I wiggle just a little bit?"

ME: "NO, YOU STUPID PIECE OF DEAD COW HIDE! THERE'S NO ROOM THAT. NOW GET BACK IN MY POCKET BEFORE I DO TO YOU WHAT I DID TO THAT EXPIRED DEBIT CARD!"

I've decided that since tomorrow (Tuesday) is effectively my last day of this...

I should attempt to utilize the last without with junk food to the best of my abilities. (Thank you Allie Brosh for the meme and for being epic and may you recover from your depression and return to blogdom soon. You are missed.) Therefore I have found it necessary to start something that shall henceforth be known as...

GASTRONOMICAL MARDI GRAS!

I will be creating a schedule of all the food that I shall be consuming and I will stick to eating it. If I have to throw up to make room to finish this schedule...I will do it. But let's be real, I spend most nights holding it and telling it everything will be okay while R.E.M.'s "Everybody Hurts" plays in the background so the purchasing of mass quantities of food is not gonna be all that likely.

That's my life, I guess. It's time for me to begin the wallet cradling process now, actually, so I will be signing off and starting my night time rituals of procrastinating getting ready for bed only to be forced to do everything when I'm desperately exhausted. 

P.S. I think I'm going to have to start using a paint program to draw my own pics for my blog. All the pictures that I happen to use have been borrowed from other people's blogs. The first picture is from Allie Brosh's Blog: Hyperbole and a Half. She says this, "Copyright 2009-2011 By Allie Brosh strictly enforced by the copyright monster." I'm scared of copyright monsters almost as much as I'm scared of cockroaches (long story) so no copyright intended.

The Wallet is from a blog I only just discovered (after having Googled "Sad Wallet") and her name is still a mystery to me. Her blog is called "Purple Cheese" and I'm kind of excited about it. Also, she says this. "This work is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivs 3.0 Unported License. Please don't steal my shizz. Kthanks!" Because the last thing I want to be is a shizz stealer, I'm going to say that no copyright was intended. Suck it, copyright laws. Purple Cheese's author is a lawyer so hopefully I didn't just do something illegal...