Meet Chad! And the pregnant watermelon incident.

Chad is the greatest evil to happen to the world since Yoko Ono.

I had just moved into a new place, the place I am living now, and this place was good except that it was too hard to find. All the entrances were either back alleys or dirt roads that were overgrown with brush and my roommates and I came to the conclusion that we were living in that one house that the pizza guy would never be able to find. I've lived in "that house" before and it isn't fun. You go hungry on pizza days.

I decided that if we are going to have people over we should make the place a bit easier to find so one day I went out with clippers, saws, knives, and a can-do attitude and started removing the brush that not only scratched up our cars but hid our existence from the world. This is when I met Chad.

Chad didn't like me removing the brush. In fact, he drove up to the dirt road that led to my house and he told me so himself.

                Chad: Hey, stop that.

 Me: lol no.

     Chad: Please stop that.

 Me: Thanks for saying 'please' but I'm afraid you can't change my mind.

     Chad: What if I told you I was related to this guy who's really photogenic?

     Me: GREAT SCOTT! WITH A FACE LIKE THAT ONE COULD SIMPLY WALK INTO MORDOR! LITERALLY! Are you actually related to that guy?

     Chad: I'm not actually related to him. :( But yes, he is photogenic.

His request was that I should stop what I'm doing and reconsider my efforts of being accessible by the pizza guy or the fire department/police department/ medical emergency vehicles/ Ice Cream truck. I love pizza too much to comply and I told Chad that I was going to continue to remove the brush. I made an enemy that day.

Here's a picture that represents Chad's facial expression when I told him I would continue my rebellion against the Chad empire and his bushes.

Although he had his poker face on, I'm sure this picture more accurately describes his emotions.

Chad walked away and never spoke to me again but his wrath is still present. For the past year I have paid for my encounter with Chad dearly. You will not believe everything that I'm going to tell you about Chad on this blog but I swear that it's real.

Anything that has ever gone wrong in the house that is totally inexplicable is Chad's fault. It has to be. Disappearances of beloved dairy products (yogurt, ice cream, milk) is common, our thermostat has formed an alliance with the Chad Empire, and even our fruit are in danger of facing Chad's wicked wrath.

This brings us to the pregnant watermelon incident. Last September one of my roommates (who shall thus forth be known as "the Aggie Roommate") decided to buy a watermelon. My roommates and I all agreed that this was a good idea however we were confused as to why he bought the watermelon. He had the intentions of eating it, but we ended up keeping it as almost kind of a pet of sorts. Some people have pet rocks, we have pet watermelons. Don't be gel.

Then one day, nine months after the purchasing of said watermelon, I had a butt ton (not a button, a butt *space* ton) of people over to watch a movie and while we were watching "UP" a soda exploded in the kitchen freezer...or so I thought. I rushed to the kitchen with the speed, tenacity and purpose of some unknown Marvel Avenger and I saw that a soda did not explode. After nine months, my watermelon broke. The green shell encasing the delectable pet we once knew now had a crack in the side of it and was spewing watermelon juice all over the kitchen. Chad had struck again.

I don't know when these attacks will end, but know that this is not the last we have heard of Chad. Oh no. He is not yet done extracting vengeance upon me.


Also, I will buy dinner for the next female I see wearing these shoes in honor of my lost yet beloved pet.

Also also I'm considering using "button" as a unit of measurement for people.