Woes of a Catholic Man

I love being Catholic, I really do. The traditions, the scripture, the Sacraments, the secret meetings held on Thursday nights where we get informed on the progress we're making on taking over the world, and so on and so forth. If we being honest, being a Catholic is one of the things I enjoy most about myself. It makes me interesting.

But we Catholics have our very own set of problems nobody else would even think twice about. For instance, old Catholics. The number of elderly people within a congregation will determine if your parish is 'hip' or 'needs a hip'.

Elderly Catholics, specific old women, like to be thorough with their reconciliation and they also like to go in flocks. Seeing these groups of old women in line at confession make me think that the old lady Catholics are all in some sort of Irish/Mexican/Italian Mafia who's Bingo games on Thursday afternoons are actually a front for illegal knitting needle trades and dealings. Each of these 20+ ladies take 15 minutes for confession. 20 x 15 = "I'm sorry, AwkwardBlock. I've been in confession for 8 hours and I need to sleep". I understand, father. I completely understand.

One thing that I find frustrating as of late is one particular part of the Mass that was changed last December that we still haven't quite figured out. "For our good and the good of all his HOLY Church." HOLY church. Not just his church, people, but his 'HOLY church'. 8 months after we've made the changes to the Mass and you can't remember to include this one word? Really? That's just a lack of effort.

But today, Mass was different. People forgot that God's Church was Holy, again. That's not going anywhere anytime soon. But, I found myself utterly amused at the fact that the priest's microphone malfunction and my ear infection have rendered me totally incapable of understanding a single word the priest said today and it sounded like the muffled mumblings of those cheap speakers at the drive-thru.

     PRIEST: alskldfnauiuehfasnkasjdfkjh
     ME: Yeah, I'll have the number 5.
     CONGREGATION: And with your spirit
     ME: Oh, and that too.

The best part of Mass today? Communion. The next best part of Mass today? When in total confusion as to what was happening during the Mass from an inability to hear the readings, I figured out that the words to the Gloria, the Alleluia, Amen, the Mystery of Faith, and the Lamb of God ALL happen to fit the tune of the Halo video game soundtrack. Thus, while the rest of the congregation of Catholics who had the capacity to hear were paying attention to the homily (which based on people's laughter I'm assuming was quite enjoyable), I was sitting there in my own little world singing the Halo themes with religious words in my head. I can only imagine the size of the stupid grin on my face. I can only imagine... (cue MercyMe).